I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
