Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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