I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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