I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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