you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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