Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
