After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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