It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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