To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Even my vagina gasped.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
