2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
