Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
