Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
