I think my vagina is haunted
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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