Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
