It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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