Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
