Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
