Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
