Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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