I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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