I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
