When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
