do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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