Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
