Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
