I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
