So drunk its hurt
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
