There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
