Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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