Moan for me like Helen Keller
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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