the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
