someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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