Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
