I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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