i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
