Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies