I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.