I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups