I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
