I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
