What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
