the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
