So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
