Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
