I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
