He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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