At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
