I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he was CRYING into my vagina
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
