I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
