you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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