it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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