dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
