apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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