My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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