I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
